Banned from zoo.
Again?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
