You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
