overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
