i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
