babies were throwing up all over the place
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
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