I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
