I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It was a blind-side dick pic.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
