Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
