Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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