we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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