It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
