i jhust puked up my retainher.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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