I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He felt like a one man threesome
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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