Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
