twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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