I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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