He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
