just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
