so that wasnt chicken after all
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
don't judge my taste in strippers
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
