just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
