brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize