I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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