The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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