My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
