dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
