I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
