I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
