I want to have your abortion
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
