How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
