I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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