The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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