All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize