Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
