you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
