The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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