i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
