Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
