Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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