Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
