Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
