did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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