It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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