Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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