Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
