In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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