chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
