Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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