1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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