the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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