Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
