I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
