So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize