Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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