I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im six kinds of drunk right now
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Randomize
