I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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