don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
